Fine stuff from Mcsweeneys. Just read the whole thing!
Free-Range: Animals raised with a free-range lifestyle have plenty of room to stretch out and eat bugs. This is particularly important for chickens, which need at least two square feet of space at all times. Factory-farming conditions are like living in apartment buildings in big cities: a co-op is formed within the coop, and the poultry have grinding meetings on where to put the satellite dish and how much to tip the doorman at Christmas. As in a human co-op, any new members deemed unsatisfactory or weak are pecked to death. Other free-range items, such as tofu, need less room to grow.
Natural: Pretty much everything is natural, including this sentence. What makes it natural? The fact that it has the word “natural.” The only things in this store that aren’t natural are the highly coifed blonds who shop here. Natural foods include any combination of natural flavorings, natural ingredients, and a high price, since it’s human nature to pay more for anything that we imagine will keep us alive forever.
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