Post-Retreat Brain

Byoliveridley

I took time recently to attend a 3 day (mostly) silent meditation retreat by a beautiful lake recently. I’ll write about my retreat experience in a bit but I wanted to remind myself of the immediate effects post-retreat

Picture of a human brain just for illustrative purposes
  • When I came out of the retreat and drove back from Nanaimo to Victoria, that was my first time out in the world post-retreat. Every sense was much clearer, it was like I had walked out of a sense fog. I just drove back, the nearly 2 hours with the stereo completely off. I was just contemplative and present, observing the world passing by me, wild!
  • I had put away my phone on airplane mode for the retreat. While it did come back on, and I am using it, my relationship with the phone has changed fundamentally. no more random pickups, no browsing while walking, way less listening to music to quiet the mind. My consumption is >90% intentional now and I am able to notice when I drift to “browse” mode. Same with my laptop, tablet etc. I am still using all of these things, just not the same way
  • I have spent zero time on social media in 10 days, and I don’t miss it at all. I assume I’ll get back to some of it one of these days
  • I have consumed way way less news, I have not opened the IOS news app which I used to read all day. I still look at my rss feeds and check local news, but I’m now a bit out of touch. I’ll want to be a bit more in touch soon, but no hurry!
  • So little YouTube! I’ve only used it for workouts, yoga etc. I used to watch sports highlights, gone, distract myself with random videos, gone!
  • I’ve watched an episode or three of Stranger Things with my partner at night, but it has also been intentional and reminds me of watching TV in the 90s!
  • Okay, enough about the browsing! Physically, I get through chores and physical tasks I used to find challenging effortlessly, whether it’s picking stuff up and putting it away, dishes, cooking, laundry. It’s just happening
  • I am thinking much more clearly, I can see it most obviously in work contexts. Whether that leads to better quality of work or not, too early to say. I am more focused, and more likely to notice when I lose focus. I have been aware that I lose focus and drive when I hit an obstacle, a challenging task, or similar. I used to let my brain get distracted and browse away. Now I’m more likely to take a breath or three, observe that I am stuck on something and decide mindfully to try again, or set it aside and do something else
  • My sweet and salty snacking has pretty much gone away, not completely, but to a very large extent. I used to snack every half hour it seemed like, so much! Now it’s fruit for the most part, less frequently, which I love. I taste my food so much more, I’m paying attention to what I’m eating. I have not looked at my phone, watched a video, read a book, nothing at all while eating. It’s either been just eating, or talking. I guess the one exception is my afternoon popcorn snack, which I’ve been working through, Even that has been an intentional choice. I enjoy the F out of my post-lunch and post-dinner desserts!
  • My stomach feels a bit more settled, whether that’s a consequence of the snack reduction or being calmer
  • I am way more present in conversation, don’t look at my phone or zone out. Exception as this week had been a ridiculously busy work week and I kept getting notifications that were likely time sensitive, which meant quick watch checks, which I have noticed and tried to limit.
  • I really notice when I’ve gotten lost in thought and zoned out, the attention comes back soon after I notice.
  • I still feel angry, impatient sometimes, sad, happy, all the emotions. I do notice and remark upon them as I notice
  • I am practicing mindfulness again, 20 minutes a day or so and I feel like my brain really needs it to calm down. I frequently have nano-moments, a few breaths at a time to centre and come back to presence
  • I’m not sleeping any better, but I was sleeping just fine previously, and I already had great sleep hygiene
  • I am a more patient parent, for sure!

I typed this whole list with just one break, to take care of a quick parenting task! That’s not something I could have done, my attention would have drifted.

When I attended this retreat, I deliberately had no expectations other than to participate with presence. All I wanted as an outcome was to feel a little less fragmented and to have a healthier relationship with the internet. This list (and it’s not exhaustive) makes me so happy!

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    A friend’s post on facebook triggered some thoughts on religion, so I expanded my comment (not science/policy related, so feel free to glaze over).

    I grew up Hindu, or shall we say, Tamil Brahmin. In India, each community’s practice of Hinduism is very different, informed by place, caste, class and more, so calling yourself a Hindu is not very illuminating. I went to the temples with my parents, and felt a connection with something (in hindsight, it was the architecture, grandeur more than Ganapathy) I prayed (after a fashion), more for specific things like “Oh god, let me do well in this test” rather than anything. I participated in the ritual and festivals, like any good kid. All this ritualistic practice aside, my single greatest spiritual memory as a young adult (and to this day) is a 5 minute meditation experience I had with my uncle sitting in a simple Ramakrishna Mission hall. I remember losing connection with my usually racing brain and reaching what I perceived as a meaningful connection with God, but what I would now associate with a particularly successful mindfulness practice. I still haven’t quite achieved that sense of “levitation” since.

    I remember being about 15, going to a really crowded temple (I think it was this one) and jostling with thousands of other people to get a fleeting glimpse of a stone (or gold plated? super rich temple!) idol, I lost my faith in one moment (at least, that’s how I perceive it). I persisted in going to temples and participating in ritual for a bit, hell, even going back to the same temple a couple of years later, but there was nothing there.

    ganapathyInto my late teens and twenties, I tuned much more into the powers of organized religion to oppress, deny freedom and restrict behaviour. At that age, I perceived the community around me using religion (in hindsight, it’s much more complicated) to restrict my activities and censure them (oh privileged male!). I was very likely to lump the people with their religion. I did not believe religion to be a force of anything other than restriction and censure, and I judged the people around me who still practiced their religion in spite of “ought to know better”. I very plainly refused to practice any rituals, or go to temples. Leaving India helped as well, since I had no community pressure to practice anything.

    Those years were ritual free (after a fashion), and I would call myself a primarily analytical person, using logic to solve problems (oh, so simple!). But, I did find ritual missing in my life. Into my thirties, I sub-consciously (at first) started to incorporate some ritualistic practices like morning coffee, regular gym workouts, and many other time based ritual activities as a substitute. My health and well-being definitely improved, though you could say the fact that I chose gym workouts as a ritual rather than bar hopping did not hurt! But, that’s really the point of ritual, isn’t it, to find the ones that centre you?

    As I grow older, I am less militantly anti-religious and more likely to incorporate yoga, mindfulness, meditation and other behaviours that could be associated with spirituality into my life. But I see them as healthy behaviours, almost like exercise rather than connecting me to something greater. I went through a phase wishing I could believe in a god again, it would be a lot easier than having to figure it out for yourself, but that passed. I am still as atheist as I’ve ever been, just a lot more tolerant of other people’s paths and processes. I understand that everyone’s well being depends on connection, whether it is social, or spiritual or physical. If their practice of “religion” or their belief helps them achieve that connection, that’s just lovely (The last few times I’ve visited India, I’ve even let my parents drag me on temple excursions!) That is, as long as they do not end up supporting oppressive homophobic, racist or misogynist behaviour based on religion. I still believe that most organized religion is a tool of patriarchy and control, and cynically uses people’s need for connection to achieve political power and money, so no support there.

     

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    Oh well, there’s still some greenery and beauty to be had, I went birding in Nanmangalam, in the Southern “suburbs” (no white picket fences in these suburbs!) and had the most wonderful time catching up with some old bird friends, the bulbuls, mynahs, bee eaters, cuckoos of various kinds, pheasants, raptors. kingfishers, babblers, warblers, snipes, many more, and my very favorite, the Great Horned Owl!! (the link is to an article detailing captive breeding of the owl in the forest I was in yesterday).

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    So long, back in the US next week, thank heavens for always on wireless!

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    Lasers shooting into irises

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    Laser iridotomy is also performed prophylactically(preventively) on asymptomatic individuals with narrow angles and those with pigment dispersion. Individuals with a narrow angle are at higher risk of an acute angle closure, especially upon dilation of the eye

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    BC Bicycle Helmet Law – NC Connections

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    (b.1) that a person operating or riding as a passenger on a cycle on a path or way designated under paragraph (b.3) must properly wear a bicycle safety helmet

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    I got my bike on Thursday and finally, the vile flu that laid me low for a week has decided to sink slowly back into a tuberculotic cough. Blogging should get back to normal speed and topics as I unpack, start biking, and can live life again without being racked by chills and bad dreams.

    Figured I should get back on my bike ASAP, but I decided to first check if BC had any bicycle helmet laws, because we’re like that, we have a lot of what would be considered “paternalistic” laws south of the border. And, it does, and guess what, the project evaluating the law was performed by UNC’s Highway Safety Research Center, small world, ai!

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