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  • Can a 3 day meditation retreat change you?

    Byoliveridley
    Photo of a Common Goldeneye courtesy Wikimedia commons (there were a few by the lake)

    TLDR: Yes, assuming it is a good fit for your beliefs and rhythms, and you are in the right mind space to participate See here for everything that happened “after”, part 2

    And now, the TL part 🙂

    Background

    If you knew me as a kid, the notion that I could sit still for even a minute without fidgeting unless focusing on some very interesting activity would be laughable. Even when focused, the fidget was always there and given my neurodiversity was (is) undiagnosed and not treated as such, my fidgets were ruined pens and pencils, books with edges torn off, every item within range chewed to some extent, the same doodle over and over on every page, so many other stims and coping mechanisms.

    As I grew older, I learned to manage my (presumed) neurodiversity better. But the neurodivergent challenges are always present. Before this retreat, I would have identified as internet dependent, phone addict, whatever you call it. For me, it predates cellphones and started the minute I had access to reasonably “unlimited” internet. Phones made it worse, but it was still the same underlying issue. What I came to realize as retreating to a comfortable companion when faced with even the slightest bit of discomfort, difficulty or challenge needing procrastinaton. I needed that hit, whether it was mindless browsing, discussion forums, the news, social media, endless YouTube videos, whatever. 

    Anyway, my partner alerted me to a 3 day mindfulness retreat, mostly silent, called “Resting into mindfulness” organized by Stephanie Curran, someone she has taken courses from in the past and whose energy and approach she was sure would work for me. I had been wanting to do a retreat for a few years now, but something or the other got in the way. Not this time!

    I am atheist. While I use Buddhist principles of mindfulness, presence, loving kindness (and Karuna, Muditha and Upekka!) and other precepts, and I appreciate some minor rituals (bells, symbolic objects), I am not comfortable with most major religions. I find the authoritarianism, directiveness, and patriarchy that all religions inevitably bring unpalatable and avoid them. So I have avoided a lot of structured retreats. This one was perfect. 

    Location Location Location

    We were at the Bethlehem Centre, a beautiful retreat centre on the banks of the Westwood Lake in Nanaimo. You could see the lake from my room and you could walk out to the lake from the centre in seconds. This itself had such an impact on my overall experience!  The centre was spacious and there was no one else there except us and the people volunteering/working there for the most part. The retreat included 3 meals a day, and your choice of shared or single accommodation. It was such a comfortable space to retreat. There were so many birds by the lake as well, which makes it a happy place for me.

    Structure (and Unstructure)

    Stephanie is trained in Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction which uses the principles of mindfulness to help with mental health. MBSR leans on the Vipassana (insight meditation) version of Buddhism while being explicitly secular in practice.

    I showed up Thursday afternoon, settled in, turned off my phone and the retreat got started after dinner. Then two full, mostly structured days followed. Sunday morning continued the retreat with a gradual return to reality for lunch and packing up to go home. It was mostly silent except for a 15 minute daily check in with the facilitator. 

    The retreat structure was based around these principles and consisted of the following activities

    1. Guided meditation
    2. Gentle yoga
    3. Body scans
    4. Walking meditation
    5. DIY unstructured time
    6. A short daily check

    All of this was screen and internet free, and Stephanie did 98% of the talking J

    We would wake up in the morning with a guided meditation, eat a lovely quiet breakfast followed by a mix of the activities over the course of the day. The time after lunch was unstructured, 2 hours of be by yourself activity, followed by more time when others were doing their check ins. Then, we got back together to do more of the activities, capped off by an evening ending guided meditation. I think it went from approx 730 AM – 9 PM (I could be off a bit here, it’s been 6 weeks!), but the ample unstructured time meant it did not feel like camp. I did not feel like I was rushing from activity to activity. 

    Facilitation

    The facilitation is obviously a huge part of why this retreat really worked for me. Stephanie held us together so beautifully and provided a calm, non-judgmental and confident space for us to expand into. She always provided options, was gentle enough that you had to really pay attention to appreciate the planning and structure she put together. She skilfully weaved teachings, anecdotes, personal experience and fact through the sessions. The skill and the setup were big factors in why this retreat really worked for me. I expect very structured retreats based on more explicitly religious principles to not work for me. 

    How did I feel during?

    Calm, present and centered is how I would describe it. I expected anxiety from being away from my phone, I expected actual physical withdrawal from not getting bits of dopamine every few minutes or even feeling my device in my pocket as a charm object. That never happened! How? I don’t want to examine it too much, but it turns out when you build the right container and structure, you can ease into being present even if it is hours at a time. I did not expect it to be that simple, but for me, it mostly was. I clearly needed the structure because I did find myself becoming a bit unsteady in the afternoon. Nothing a walk along the lake looking at birds mindfully did not solve! I did have to think about my unstructured time a bit to structure it in a way to keep me centered, would have been great to have a nap LOL, but I’m not a napper. 

    For me, sitting in meditation is often the hardest, I have used movement to calm and centre all my life. But the simple techniques Stephanie focused on, breath, sound, body awareness and being in “open” awareness really helped me through all of it. There’s never a one size fits all method. So, knowing there are a multiplicity of tools to pull out was helpful. Not everything was effortless, but knowing that’s part of the experience really helped (and we were reminded constantly). One key to me was that it did not feel like work, aspirational, effort filled, striving to a goal. It felt like flowing, you were doing (or not doing) something and if you felt discomfort, a barrier, you acknowledged it, examined it and let it pass. 

    Wow! 

    The silence

    I am pretty comfortable with silence. I can sit with someone and not talk for a while. So that part was not hard. Being mostly silent was one more way to stay present. It wasn’t as if we were ritually silent, there was the occasional thank you, or “there’s a beautiful heron around the corner”. The point was to not use conversation as a distraction. 

    The after

    I wrote about how I felt afterwards soon after I came back when it was fresh on my mind. Now, almost 6 weeks later, I feel substantially the same. Yes, 6 weeks is not a long time, but the retreat changed me in a meaningful way. And importantly, I know now the mental and physical state I want to be at most of the time. I did not know this before the retreat, nor did I think it was possible for someone like me. Knowing that state gives me so much confidence and strength, that if (when) I start moving away from this “new” homeostasis, I have the tools to recognize, acknowledge and respond with the many techniques this retreat taught me. I am blessed to start new habits and have them stick relatively easily. And I will try and go again!

    My biggest insights

    Skills, techniques aside, it’s awareness. I appear to now be more adept at recognizing when I have encountered a barrier, a challenge, a difficult situation, and then taking that small moment to acknowledge it instead of distracting away. Not all the time, not even close, but it’s a journey! So, that means I don’t always need the crutches, the phone, internet to cope. I do something else, a few deep breaths, a different activity, a stretch, change positions, whatever it is. For me, recognizing and pausing into presence is what I learned the most in the retreat and what I want to keep practicing for as long as I live. Also, as I mentioned, it’s the understanding of what mental and physical state I want to be in, I see that so much more clearly now, which makes it easier to get back to.

  • Post-Retreat Brain

    Byoliveridley

    I took time recently to attend a 3 day (mostly) silent meditation retreat by a beautiful lake recently. I’ll write about my retreat experience in a bit but I wanted to remind myself of the immediate effects post-retreat

    Picture of a human brain just for illustrative purposes
    • When I came out of the retreat and drove back from Nanaimo to Victoria, that was my first time out in the world post-retreat. Every sense was much clearer, it was like I had walked out of a sense fog. I just drove back, the nearly 2 hours with the stereo completely off. I was just contemplative and present, observing the world passing by me, wild!
    • I had put away my phone on airplane mode for the retreat. While it did come back on, and I am using it, my relationship with the phone has changed fundamentally. no more random pickups, no browsing while walking, way less listening to music to quiet the mind. My consumption is >90% intentional now and I am able to notice when I drift to “browse” mode. Same with my laptop, tablet etc. I am still using all of these things, just not the same way
    • I have spent zero time on social media in 10 days, and I don’t miss it at all. I assume I’ll get back to some of it one of these days
    • I have consumed way way less news, I have not opened the IOS news app which I used to read all day. I still look at my rss feeds and check local news, but I’m now a bit out of touch. I’ll want to be a bit more in touch soon, but no hurry!
    • So little YouTube! I’ve only used it for workouts, yoga etc. I used to watch sports highlights, gone, distract myself with random videos, gone!
    • I’ve watched an episode or three of Stranger Things with my partner at night, but it has also been intentional and reminds me of watching TV in the 90s!
    • Okay, enough about the browsing! Physically, I get through chores and physical tasks I used to find challenging effortlessly, whether it’s picking stuff up and putting it away, dishes, cooking, laundry. It’s just happening
    • I am thinking much more clearly, I can see it most obviously in work contexts. Whether that leads to better quality of work or not, too early to say. I am more focused, and more likely to notice when I lose focus. I have been aware that I lose focus and drive when I hit an obstacle, a challenging task, or similar. I used to let my brain get distracted and browse away. Now I’m more likely to take a breath or three, observe that I am stuck on something and decide mindfully to try again, or set it aside and do something else
    • My sweet and salty snacking has pretty much gone away, not completely, but to a very large extent. I used to snack every half hour it seemed like, so much! Now it’s fruit for the most part, less frequently, which I love. I taste my food so much more, I’m paying attention to what I’m eating. I have not looked at my phone, watched a video, read a book, nothing at all while eating. It’s either been just eating, or talking. I guess the one exception is my afternoon popcorn snack, which I’ve been working through, Even that has been an intentional choice. I enjoy the F out of my post-lunch and post-dinner desserts!
    • My stomach feels a bit more settled, whether that’s a consequence of the snack reduction or being calmer
    • I am way more present in conversation, don’t look at my phone or zone out. Exception as this week had been a ridiculously busy work week and I kept getting notifications that were likely time sensitive, which meant quick watch checks, which I have noticed and tried to limit.
    • I really notice when I’ve gotten lost in thought and zoned out, the attention comes back soon after I notice.
    • I still feel angry, impatient sometimes, sad, happy, all the emotions. I do notice and remark upon them as I notice
    • I am practicing mindfulness again, 20 minutes a day or so and I feel like my brain really needs it to calm down. I frequently have nano-moments, a few breaths at a time to centre and come back to presence
    • I’m not sleeping any better, but I was sleeping just fine previously, and I already had great sleep hygiene
    • I am a more patient parent, for sure!

    I typed this whole list with just one break, to take care of a quick parenting task! That’s not something I could have done, my attention would have drifted.

    When I attended this retreat, I deliberately had no expectations other than to participate with presence. All I wanted as an outcome was to feel a little less fragmented and to have a healthier relationship with the internet. This list (and it’s not exhaustive) makes me so happy!

  • Choices for 2024

    Byoliveridley
    When your phone does a thing

    I’m not much of a resolver, resolutioner, whatever the word may be. But my phone did show me these very interesting choices of app first thing this morning when I unlocked it and was looking for some app or the other, So I’m going to find the Madonna in this toast and overinterpret 🙂 The left two choices are the new Journal app on my phone versus Bluesky, which means I choose to prioritize writing for myself (or my group chats I’m going to extrapolate here) over social media. On the right, it’s streaming versus WordPress, which means I get to prioritize writing (and creating) over consuming. So, be it resolved for 2024!

    Also, the icons for Journal and Bluesky are both butterflies and that’s lovely.

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    Choir Performances

    Byoliveridley

    In case you did not know, I am in a choir, The Choir, actually, and we have much fun practicing and performing. We’re doing three shows and an open rehearsal next week, so please come and sing along (or watch and wave).

    The Choir Open Rehearsal at GVPL Downtown – Wednesday Sep 16 – 730
    We’re hosting our (first ever) open rehearsal at the Greater Victoria Public Library Atrium, always an interesting space for music. Join us as we rehearse for Rifflandia. This is a free preview, a rehearsal, so not quite the finished product. But we’ll have as much fun.

    Rifflandia Performances Friday Sep 18 – Sunday Sep 20

    If you’re coming to Rifflandia (and you should if you can spare the money, lots of great acts including A Tribe Called Red, Modest Mouse, Mother Mother, Joey Bada$$ and so much more, and The Choir!) We open the Royal Athletic Park on all days, so come early to the gates, which open half an hour before show time! It can take 10-15 minutes for you to queue up and get in, so come on in and stay. You’ll need a park pass at least.

    Friday – September 18 – Main Stage Royal Park 3 PM.

    Saturday – September 19 – Rifftop tent – Royal Park 12:30 PM

    Sunday – September 20 – Rifftop tent – Royal Park 12:30 PM

    What the choir is about …

    See you next week!

  • Snippets of dreams remembered

    Byoliveridley

    Or what happens when you make a single-minded effort to sleep in on the long weekend. These dreams all happened between 5 AM and 9 AM Sunday morning. I don’t usually interpret dreams, and am always pleasantly surprised when I remember them.

    Banana FlowerI wake up in my old bedroom in Chennai feeling bad that I have only one day to go on my trip, and that I need to start packing to leave. My packing is all awry, my passport is nowhere to be found. When I actually wake up, I am home, and happy that my “trip to India”, whenever that might be, has not even begun.

    Bee on flowerI turn around in bed and feel sharp pain as a bee (or wasp, my dream said bee) has bitten me in the ass (yes). I turn once more, and the sting is actually near my elbow, or is it? Were there two bees? Was there actually a sting? My dream state is not sure. Either way, I wake up, no bees.

    SaddleI am fixing S’s bicycle seat, and every time I shake it (this seems to be an important part of the fixing), a new part falls out. The seat, the post and the bike get more and more complicated and full of parts falling all over the place. I feel frustrated and lost, this seat is never going to get fixed, I question my skills. I wake up, relieved it was just a dream, but the seat’s still next to me in bed, parts still falling off. I then wake up for real. I love dreams within dreams and used to get them often, to terrifying effect. Thankfully, they’re now an occurrence rare enough to require immediate documentation.

    PS: I was reminded by the NVPA recently that I am required to keep a dream journal.

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    Walking

    Byoliveridley

    OspreyNot policy related, but I don’t write free form anything ever, so this is a rare occurrence that is going on the blog. PS: Work does not necessarily mean paid work. Osprey courtesy Sergey Yeliseev’s Flickr Stream used under a creative commons licence because the osprey is on my top 5 list of favourite birds and I did see one eating a rabbit on my walk back from work once.

    Walking

    I wish I worked like I walk
    One foot in front of another
    A steady, fast pace
    Direct, seeking straight lines
    Diagonals
    Obstacles gone around or over
    But always pausing to smile at the rabbits
    Or to wonder when that osprey’s going to make my day
    I wish I worked like I walk
    Anticipating every light
    Speeding up or slowing down
    Observing every car that doesn’t see me
    Shaking to a song that moves
    But the walk continues
    I wish I worked like I walk
    Rain or shine, only the clothes and accessories change
    The pace is still steady
    A destination awaits
    I know why I walk
    The path is good and the end is clear.
    and maybe that’s why
    I don’t work like I walk…

     

  • Religion

    Byoliveridley

    A friend’s post on facebook triggered some thoughts on religion, so I expanded my comment (not science/policy related, so feel free to glaze over).

    I grew up Hindu, or shall we say, Tamil Brahmin. In India, each community’s practice of Hinduism is very different, informed by place, caste, class and more, so calling yourself a Hindu is not very illuminating. I went to the temples with my parents, and felt a connection with something (in hindsight, it was the architecture, grandeur more than Ganapathy) I prayed (after a fashion), more for specific things like “Oh god, let me do well in this test” rather than anything. I participated in the ritual and festivals, like any good kid. All this ritualistic practice aside, my single greatest spiritual memory as a young adult (and to this day) is a 5 minute meditation experience I had with my uncle sitting in a simple Ramakrishna Mission hall. I remember losing connection with my usually racing brain and reaching what I perceived as a meaningful connection with God, but what I would now associate with a particularly successful mindfulness practice. I still haven’t quite achieved that sense of “levitation” since.

    I remember being about 15, going to a really crowded temple (I think it was this one) and jostling with thousands of other people to get a fleeting glimpse of a stone (or gold plated? super rich temple!) idol, I lost my faith in one moment (at least, that’s how I perceive it). I persisted in going to temples and participating in ritual for a bit, hell, even going back to the same temple a couple of years later, but there was nothing there.

    ganapathyInto my late teens and twenties, I tuned much more into the powers of organized religion to oppress, deny freedom and restrict behaviour. At that age, I perceived the community around me using religion (in hindsight, it’s much more complicated) to restrict my activities and censure them (oh privileged male!). I was very likely to lump the people with their religion. I did not believe religion to be a force of anything other than restriction and censure, and I judged the people around me who still practiced their religion in spite of “ought to know better”. I very plainly refused to practice any rituals, or go to temples. Leaving India helped as well, since I had no community pressure to practice anything.

    Those years were ritual free (after a fashion), and I would call myself a primarily analytical person, using logic to solve problems (oh, so simple!). But, I did find ritual missing in my life. Into my thirties, I sub-consciously (at first) started to incorporate some ritualistic practices like morning coffee, regular gym workouts, and many other time based ritual activities as a substitute. My health and well-being definitely improved, though you could say the fact that I chose gym workouts as a ritual rather than bar hopping did not hurt! But, that’s really the point of ritual, isn’t it, to find the ones that centre you?

    As I grow older, I am less militantly anti-religious and more likely to incorporate yoga, mindfulness, meditation and other behaviours that could be associated with spirituality into my life. But I see them as healthy behaviours, almost like exercise rather than connecting me to something greater. I went through a phase wishing I could believe in a god again, it would be a lot easier than having to figure it out for yourself, but that passed. I am still as atheist as I’ve ever been, just a lot more tolerant of other people’s paths and processes. I understand that everyone’s well being depends on connection, whether it is social, or spiritual or physical. If their practice of “religion” or their belief helps them achieve that connection, that’s just lovely (The last few times I’ve visited India, I’ve even let my parents drag me on temple excursions!) That is, as long as they do not end up supporting oppressive homophobic, racist or misogynist behaviour based on religion. I still believe that most organized religion is a tool of patriarchy and control, and cynically uses people’s need for connection to achieve political power and money, so no support there.

     

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    Lasers shooting into irises

    Byoliveridley

    I did not think my first minor surgery would involve someone shooting lasers to make holes in my iris. It sounds like more fun than it actually was, but was mostly painless and here I am, looking at a computer screen 3 hours later. My eyes feel like they’ve had about 5 hours of sleep, which is good considering they’re now sporting two brand new drain holes.

    Laser iridotomy is also performed prophylactically(preventively) on asymptomatic individuals with narrow angles and those with pigment dispersion. Individuals with a narrow angle are at higher risk of an acute angle closure, especially upon dilation of the eye

    http://www.surgeryencyclopedia.com/La-Pa/Laser-Iridotomy.html

    I also just started reading Bad Science by Ben Goldacre, which is about the use and misuse of the banner of science by a large group of people including nutritionists, pharmaceutical companies and “alternative” treatment specialists. It has a great chapter on the “placebo” effect, how much of it is culturally mediated, and how much doctor demeanour and confidence in their skills and outcome affects results. The doctor shooting holes in my eye was extremely confident in their skills and their results, and normally, my brain would be sending off all kinds of hubris warnings. In this case, their confidence reassured me a bit, and Bad Science definitely helped. It was also interesting to see a large section on homeopathy in the book, since I’ve written about my contact with homeopathy and felt that the cultural practices of a good homeopath can be of some use to people as long as they don’t go too far. The book confirmed some of that.

  • Four Years in Victoria: List Making

    Byoliveridley

    I sense quite a bit of internally directed impatience and judgement. So it is good to take stock.

    Four years in Victoria, an incomplete list of firsts…

    1. Joined the board of an organization
    2. Donate(d) to multiple organizations
    3. Made presentations to the city council, school board, public meetings, met MPs, MLAs, councillors, mayors
    4. Facilitated public forums (not fora, which would make me an elitist)
    5. Joined a political party
    6. Went door to door for a political party
    7. Played music in a band for a paying audience
    8. Wrote music
    9. Sang in crowded street corners (with other people) busker style
    10. Grew veggies and greens
    11. Canned, made beer, made wine
    12. Became a property owner and joined the strata board!
    13. Lost my connection with the automobile. Driving, except for road trips, is now a necessary chore.
    14. Started busing to work.
    15. Got a new (lack of )hairstyle
    16. Garlic scapes (How did I miss out on garlic scapes for this long??)
    17. Expect to see Orca every time I get on a boat (I guess getting on a boat regularly is a first too).
    18. Expect to see snow-capped mountains at every turn while wearing a T-shirt and sandals in February

    Being visible in public is relatively new to me, always good to remember my past when explaining my present reluctance.

    This might be my first ever link less post.

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    Old-School Music Snobbery

    Byoliveridley

    (Warning, fact-free reminiscences, no policy, science or anything resembling analysis, possibly of interest only to my indulgent friends)

    Obscure knowledge was once a kind of currency. To get it, you had to be in the loop. You had to know the right people to learn about the right bands. You had to know the right record stores to hear those bands.

    via Why the Old-School Music Snob Is the Least Cool Kid on Twitter – NYTimes.com.

    This article took me back to my 15 year old self. I grew up in pre-cable, pre-“liberalized” India where access to “Western” popular music was very limited, and class and income segregated. The top 40 stuff of the time was available as cassette tapes. Finding albums was almost impossible, most of the time, you got “Now this is what I call music” type compilations. The music popular and available as LPs was a mix of big names like The Beatles, ABBA,  and an eclectic mix of  Boney M, Osibisa, The Ventures, Uriah Heep? (don’t even ask). The popularity of these more off-the-wall choices was probably linked to their willingness to tour India and bring their records.

    My mom was a huge Beatles and Cliff Richard fan growing up, catching it on Indian and Sri Lankan radio in the early to mid 1960s. As I cast my mind back to my parents’ collection, I see a bunch of Beatles LPs (The Red, Blue and Rock’n’Roll Double LP compilations), some ABBA, Boney M, Uriah Heep, The Ventures 🙂 I didn’t have money to buy my own, and we didn’t really have too much money to spend on records anyway.

    Which brings me to 15, my music tastes have stagnated, I’m occasionally listening to random mixes of music, done with ABBA, still liking the Beatles (I still like the Beatles!), but need more. Where can I find music that will move me? Well, there’s no internet, and no radio/TV playing anything other than Top 40 stuff (very rarely) or the Beatles. I don’t have rich relatives in the US to send me music either. In hindsight, I guess I could have tried short wave radio (which we definitely used a lot for sports), but how do you know what’s cool?

    I was “rescued” by a friend, with whom I listened to a very scratchy recording one day. This friend was lucky enough to have an older brother who had access to music. The first minute of Black Dog changed my life! I “discovered” Led Zeppelin in 1988(9), and all the usual suspects soon after. I can’t even begin to express how I felt the first time I heard Bohemian Rhapsody. I know, right, what a lot of my friends from when I was older and living in the US and Canada  think of as the most clichéd over-exposed, un-cool songs set the cool kids of Madras apart from the rest.

    Finding full albums of music of decent audio quality was another matter. We soon heard through word of mouth (probably the brother) of this magical small store in Anna Nagar, on the other side of the city. So, we took the bus out one day. Anna Nagar was a gridded sub-division, which for some reason confused people like me who lived in older parts of the city. We had an address, which led us to a house on a mundanely residential street, with a small sign board for the “shop”, only open evenings. We walk in, and, magic, it was many rows of LPs stacked and arranged alphabetically by band. You told the guy at the store what albums you wanted, gave him blank cassettes and money, and a week later (a long week later), you went back and picked up your magical tape. A 90 minute cassette could fit two albums, of course, so I always associate Led Zeppelin II with The Best of Cream (back to back).

    Wow, clear LP transfers of music, I still remember all those little discoveries like the bass pedal response of Mitch Mitchell to Jimi Hendrix’s Purple Haze riff, and scratching “Excuse me, while I kiss the sky” on every desk I sat in for a couple of years.

    I was also part of a crack school quiz team at a time when these quizzes were basically wank fests for people like us. We got quiz “masters” asking us obscure music trivia and playing songs from the 60s and 70s for us to identify and win the quiz shows. Looking back, our smug superiority was probably unwarranted 🙂 This period was the peak of musical snobbery, limited access meet obscure knowledge! I hoarded, I judged, I laughed at people who listened to the wrong music, not a very nice 19 year old at all. We had no internet, but I had “discovered” that libraries were a great source of music books and my obscure minutiae quotient was off the charts. That strange intersection of my “discovery” of music and its scarcity was a magical and intense place.

    Things changed. MTV hit India in 1993, and grunge showed up in Madras at about the same time it took  over the US. I could also hit up my US based sister for music, band shirts, merch. Stores started bringing tapes in (and CDs, though those were some shiny unaffordable jewels). But there was still that class-based division, and access was limited, though every year made the music more accessible.

    Moving to North Carolina hipster heaven brought the rather unwelcome news that classic rock (oh, so my music has a genre?) was associated with middle aged white folk, and as uncool as it got. Oh well, it didn’t stop me from listening, but parties became a bit less fun. My music tastes expanded into the roots of all that rock, into blues, jazz, and funk.

    As I understood the politics of appropriation and where all that music really came from, my attitudes changed, and I listen less. But those riffs still have a direct connection to a very emotional part of my brain. I will always be that uncool kid who knows every Jimmy Page solo in my head even as I cringe at the misogyny and racism of the lyrics and laugh at the bombast and obvious masculine posturing.

    I am very glad that the internet has mostly erased the boundaries. The ability to listen to a song just by searching for it is life-changing. Yes, people will still judge, but it is harder and harder to hoard, and use scarcity as a filter. I love it. My relationship with the music has not changed. When I hear something I like, it is still such an intense emotional experience, especially when it links back to memories, the people I first heard it with, the things I did when the music was playing in the background, it’s lovely.

    To end, another quote from the article…

    Populism is the new model of cool; elitists, rather than teeny-boppers or bandwagon-jumpers, are the new squares. There are now artists who sell out concerts while rarely getting played on commercial radio