TLDR: Yes, assuming it is a good fit for your beliefs and rhythms, and you are in the right mind space to participate See here for everything that happened “after”, part 2

And now, the TL part 🙂

Background

If you knew me as a kid, the notion that I could sit still for even a minute without fidgeting unless focusing on some very interesting activity would be laughable. Even when focused, the fidget was always there and given my neurodiversity was (is) undiagnosed and not treated as such, my fidgets were ruined pens and pencils, books with edges torn off, every item within range chewed to some extent, the same doodle over and over on every page, so many other stims and coping mechanisms.

As I grew older, I learned to manage my (presumed) neurodiversity better. But the neurodivergent challenges are always present. Before this retreat, I would have identified as internet dependent, phone addict, whatever you call it. For me, it predates cellphones and started the minute I had access to reasonably “unlimited” internet. Phones made it worse, but it was still the same underlying issue. What I came to realize as retreating to a comfortable companion when faced with even the slightest bit of discomfort, difficulty or challenge needing procrastinaton. I needed that hit, whether it was mindless browsing, discussion forums, the news, social media, endless YouTube videos, whatever. 

Anyway, my partner alerted me to a 3 day mindfulness retreat, mostly silent, called “Resting into mindfulness” organized by Stephanie Curran, someone she has taken courses from in the past and whose energy and approach she was sure would work for me. I had been wanting to do a retreat for a few years now, but something or the other got in the way. Not this time!

I am atheist. While I use Buddhist principles of mindfulness, presence, loving kindness (and Karuna, Muditha and Upekka!) and other precepts, and I appreciate some minor rituals (bells, symbolic objects), I am not comfortable with most major religions. I find the authoritarianism, directiveness, and patriarchy that all religions inevitably bring unpalatable and avoid them. So I have avoided a lot of structured retreats. This one was perfect. 

Location Location Location

We were at the Bethlehem Centre, a beautiful retreat centre on the banks of the Westwood Lake in Nanaimo. You could see the lake from my room and you could walk out to the lake from the centre in seconds. This itself had such an impact on my overall experience!  The centre was spacious and there was no one else there except us and the people volunteering/working there for the most part. The retreat included 3 meals a day, and your choice of shared or single accommodation. It was such a comfortable space to retreat. There were so many birds by the lake as well, which makes it a happy place for me.

Structure (and Unstructure)

Stephanie is trained in Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction which uses the principles of mindfulness to help with mental health. MBSR leans on the Vipassana (insight meditation) version of Buddhism while being explicitly secular in practice.

I showed up Thursday afternoon, settled in, turned off my phone and the retreat got started after dinner. Then two full, mostly structured days followed. Sunday morning continued the retreat with a gradual return to reality for lunch and packing up to go home. It was mostly silent except for a 15 minute daily check in with the facilitator. 

The retreat structure was based around these principles and consisted of the following activities

1. Guided meditation
2. Gentle yoga
3. Body scans
4. Walking meditation
5. DIY unstructured time
6. A short daily check

All of this was screen and internet free, and Stephanie did 98% of the talking J

We would wake up in the morning with a guided meditation, eat a lovely quiet breakfast followed by a mix of the activities over the course of the day. The time after lunch was unstructured, 2 hours of be by yourself activity, followed by more time when others were doing their check ins. Then, we got back together to do more of the activities, capped off by an evening ending guided meditation. I think it went from approx 730 AM – 9 PM (I could be off a bit here, it’s been 6 weeks!), but the ample unstructured time meant it did not feel like camp. I did not feel like I was rushing from activity to activity. 

Facilitation

The facilitation is obviously a huge part of why this retreat really worked for me. Stephanie held us together so beautifully and provided a calm, non-judgmental and confident space for us to expand into. She always provided options, was gentle enough that you had to really pay attention to appreciate the planning and structure she put together. She skilfully weaved teachings, anecdotes, personal experience and fact through the sessions. The skill and the setup were big factors in why this retreat really worked for me. I expect very structured retreats based on more explicitly religious principles to not work for me. 

How did I feel during?

Calm, present and centered is how I would describe it. I expected anxiety from being away from my phone, I expected actual physical withdrawal from not getting bits of dopamine every few minutes or even feeling my device in my pocket as a charm object. That never happened! How? I don’t want to examine it too much, but it turns out when you build the right container and structure, you can ease into being present even if it is hours at a time. I did not expect it to be that simple, but for me, it mostly was. I clearly needed the structure because I did find myself becoming a bit unsteady in the afternoon. Nothing a walk along the lake looking at birds mindfully did not solve! I did have to think about my unstructured time a bit to structure it in a way to keep me centered, would have been great to have a nap LOL, but I’m not a napper. 

For me, sitting in meditation is often the hardest, I have used movement to calm and centre all my life. But the simple techniques Stephanie focused on, breath, sound, body awareness and being in “open” awareness really helped me through all of it. There’s never a one size fits all method. So, knowing there are a multiplicity of tools to pull out was helpful. Not everything was effortless, but knowing that’s part of the experience really helped (and we were reminded constantly). One key to me was that it did not feel like work, aspirational, effort filled, striving to a goal. It felt like flowing, you were doing (or not doing) something and if you felt discomfort, a barrier, you acknowledged it, examined it and let it pass. 

Wow! 

The silence

I am pretty comfortable with silence. I can sit with someone and not talk for a while. So that part was not hard. Being mostly silent was one more way to stay present. It wasn’t as if we were ritually silent, there was the occasional thank you, or “there’s a beautiful heron around the corner”. The point was to not use conversation as a distraction. 

The after

I wrote about how I felt afterwards soon after I came back when it was fresh on my mind. Now, almost 6 weeks later, I feel substantially the same. Yes, 6 weeks is not a long time, but the retreat changed me in a meaningful way. And importantly, I know now the mental and physical state I want to be at most of the time. I did not know this before the retreat, nor did I think it was possible for someone like me. Knowing that state gives me so much confidence and strength, that if (when) I start moving away from this “new” homeostasis, I have the tools to recognize, acknowledge and respond with the many techniques this retreat taught me. I am blessed to start new habits and have them stick relatively easily. And I will try and go again!

My biggest insights

Skills, techniques aside, it’s awareness. I appear to now be more adept at recognizing when I have encountered a barrier, a challenge, a difficult situation, and then taking that small moment to acknowledge it instead of distracting away. Not all the time, not even close, but it’s a journey! So, that means I don’t always need the crutches, the phone, internet to cope. I do something else, a few deep breaths, a different activity, a stretch, change positions, whatever it is. For me, recognizing and pausing into presence is what I learned the most in the retreat and what I want to keep practicing for as long as I live. Also, as I mentioned, it’s the understanding of what mental and physical state I want to be in, I see that so much more clearly now, which makes it easier to get back to.